Flower Power

Last night was my first florist class. I've been having such a bad week I really didn't have any desire to go. Since I had already paid my tuition, I went.
The class was alot of fun. Here's what I made last night....



I know, can you believe I made that? I don't have a creative bone in my body. Glad I went though, it made me feel just a little bit better....and every little bit helps.

Things haven't been easy lately. They say at about 6 months out, reality sets in. Its only been about 3 but I feel like the last 3 months he was here, he really wasn't here, if that makes sense. So I feel like it's been 6 months. They say that's when you finally realize that he's not coming home, you won't see him again, talk to him again, touch him again. When I say "they", I mean other widows/widowers. I was given lots of books, tons in fact. Haven't touched any of those. I prefer to hear it straight from those who've experienced it and I can't concentrate long enough to read a paragraph anyway.
This week especially has been hard. I think it's a combination of the weather (this was Shane's favorite time of year), getting the autopsy last week (I may post some info about this on the caringbridge site later) and just the fact that I miss him so bad. We were always together. The most time we spent apart were the 11 or so days he spent in Holland with Brian and Andy. Other than that, I can't remember being apart from him for longer than a day or so. Three months without talking to him has been brutal. Well I do still talk to him..the brutal part is him not talking back. I can't even begin to imagine the future without him....that's why they say one day at a time, I guess.

I'm going to plan a trip soon, to California, to visit Brandon. It was always on our list of things to do, but we never had enough time. It'll be bittersweet b/c I'm excited to go to San Diego and see Brandon, but I'm also devatstated that Shane can't come with me. Although, I guess in some way, maybe he will be with me.

Sad

The adorable little boy I told you to watch over passed away yesterday.
His caringbridge site is here.
Please be thinking of his family. I know what they are feeling and every little bit of support helps.

I f'ing hate cancer.

Blah

Not much going on. Been in a slump the last few days. Again, it's like that roller coaster feeling. Last weekend was fantastic, then those days are always followed by really tough days. I miss Shane more than ever. I like to think things are getting better. I'm able to function like normal most of the time. I applied for a part time job. If it works out, it could be the most perfect job ever. Three days a week (tues, wed, thurs), and really good pay. We'll see, don't want to jinx myself.

Plan on watching the LSU game later. Hopefully they put on a better show than last week.

Finalizing the sale of my jeep today too. Getting what I asked for it is great, still kinda sad to see it go. Just reminds me of how much my life has changed.

Saints tomorrow, hopefully another big win.

Oh, my clownfish laid eggs. Unfortunately, I didn't have the means to save them so I'm pretty sure they got eaten before they hatched. I know, it's terrible, but it's survival of the fittest in that tank!

Tattoo/New Orleans

What a great, much needed weekend.
Started things off by going to the Chimes on Friday with Rob, Jacob and Chris. The food was great and we had the best time. I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard as I did that night.
Saturday morning Jacob, Chris and myself headed to New Orleans. We met up with Brian, Amy and Hayden and headed to the tattoo parlor (Electric Ladyland). They were able to take us early. On our way we stopped by to take a look at the Jolie/Pitt home. Amy and I posed in front for a picture!

The pain from the tattoo wasn't as bad as I thought, but that's not to say it didn't hurt like hell. It only took about 15 minutes though so it was over before I knew it. They basically just took the sketch from Shane's book and enlarged it a little...so it's Shane's exact sketch. I'm really excited about it. Brian got the same tattoo as me so his was also quick. Amy had hers done the night before. Chris and Jacob went next and there's also came out great. I can actually see myself getting another one!
After our tattoos we headed to the Quarter to eat and watch the LSU game. Lucas and Kerry met us there. We found a restaurant with a huge projection tv. We were all euphoric from our tattoos but the game was a bummer...not much else to say about it. We still had a good time though and headed back to the hotel for drinks in the lobby.

Sunday we were up bright and early and ready for the Saints game. Rob met up with us on Sunday (barely!). Luckily that game was a big win so we at least saw one game of decent football.
All in all a great weekend. Gives me hope that I can still have fun and not always be down in the dumps.

Go here to see all the other tattoos and even Shane's sketch.

So, I went to the Saints Monday night football game last night. It was quite exciting, except for the fact that we lost! Still fun, none the less.
I stayed at my house in Baton Rouge all weekend. The more I stay there the more I think I'm going to sell it. I love the house but there is a huge void there that's never going to go away. Waking up in that house is pretty rough too. Every morning is hard, but waking up in that house is the worst. All signs point to moving. Now I just need to get motivated, and start fixing the place up and packing. Yuck. I did get to hang out with Andy, Rob and Chris while I was there though and that was fun.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. A bunch of us are going to spend the weekend in New Orleans. Brian and Amy are coming down from Colorado to meet Jacob, Rob, Chris, Lucas, Kerry, Andy and myself in New Orleans. On Saturday we have appointments to get tattoos. Yes, tattoos! The majority of us are getting the same tattoo...something to represent Shane. Those of you who knew him well, knew he wanted tattoos...and lots of them. He never got the chance to get one b/c of blood count issues due to chemo treatments. We thought alot about what to get and I dug through some of his sketchbooks. I found a drawing he did quite often. I showed it to Brian and he said that Shane told him that was something he wanted to get for himself. That sealed the deal and so that's what we are getting. Its a spiral symbol that sort of resembles a sun. A mix of his whole obsession with the "golden section" and his Cherokee heritage. Brian sent it to the tattoo artists ahead of time so we'll see what they come up with. I've always wanted a tattoo but couldn't think of anything I'd want to put on my body permanently until now. I'm very excited and I'll be sure to take lots of pictures!
After the tattoos, we'll be watching LSU hopefully destroy Florida, then on Sunday we all have tickets to the Saints/Raiders game. Should be a fun filled weekend.

2 Months Today

So today makes 2 months. I can't decide if the last few months have flown by or dragged. The funeral seems like ages ago, yet it seems like only yesterday Shane and I were fishing at the lake. Its so strange. I've been dreading today, as I'm sure I'll dread the first of every month, however, the anticipation of the day was worse than today turned out to be..if that makes sense.
I went to Walmart with Hannah today and figured while I was there I'd pick up some fresh flowers to put at the cemetary today. When I got home and put the flowers together, most of them were rotten! That's what I get for shopping at Walmart I guess. I did what I could with them and went put them out this afternoon.

This weekend I'll be working on the house. Hoping to bribe Adam into helping me put up a new fence. I'm sure if they money's right, he'll be willing. ha!

One other important thing: Michael.

Please keep the Sparkman family in your thoughts and prayers (or whatever it is you do). Their young son is battling the same exactly cancer and fungal infection that Shane had. His mom is a member of the lymphoma message board that I've been active on since '06 when Shane was first diagnosed. I can relate to what they are going through and I know they'll appreciate whatever thoughts/prayers/etc. that they can get.